Social anxiety: How to rewire your confidence and be a better communicator | Andrew Horn

Social anxiety: How to rewire your confidence and be a better communicator  | Andrew Horn

One of the most important aspects of meaningful
conversation is listening. If you’re asking important questions and
not listening, you’re not having a conversation at all; you are giving a soliloquy. So one of the easiest ways that we can practice
active listening and avoid a conversation dead-end is to make sure that we are “turning”
the conversation more than we’re “taking” it. So I’ll give you a quick example. So my sister just comes back from Thailand
and she says, “I had amazing trip. We went to the north and the beaches in the
south.” So here’s what a “take” would sound
like. It’s like, “Oh I went to Thailand last
year. We went to the beaches too.” So do you see what you just did? You just directed that thing right into a
dead-end, and now it’s going to stop. So what a “turn” looks like is you get
to say, “Oh wow I went to the beaches as well! What was your favorite part?” And so that simple turn shows them two things:
that you heard what they said and that you care enough to ask a follow-up question. And I promise you that the best conversationalists
always turn the conversation more than they take it. Because often times what happens is that it’s
not our first question that is going to get the answer or the depth that we desire, so
if we commit to turning the conversation back three and four times we’re going to peel
off those layers and get more depth out of our conversations. So always remember turn the conversation more
than you take it, and you’re going to avoid those conversation dead ends. When we move past asking better questions
we move into the “metamorphic two-step”. And this is all about presence. And presence is so important in conversation. You’ve all said this before, “She has
such presence.” “He has such presence.” Presence is that embodied existence in the
moment, it’s when you’re only responding and reacting to what’s happening right now. There’s no story from the past, there’s
no fear of the future, and it’s a magical thing when we can create that in conversation. And one of the easiest ways to do that is
something called the metamorphic two-step. And the metamorphic two-step is actually a
hypnosis technique that will help you to identify how you want to feel in social situations. So I learned this from my friend Andrew who
is a hypnotherapist here in New York City, he works with a lot of the Fortune 500 brands,
the quickest growing startups. And basically what he talks about with some
of these leaders is helps them to identify where they have anxiety in their leadership
roles and helps them to overcome that and really achieve peak performance. And so when I first met him I said, “Okay
so how would you use hypnosis to alleviate something like a social anxiety?” And so what he would tell me is he’d say,
“Okay, so what I want you to do is think about a social situation where you might have
some anxiety.” And I would say, “Okay I’m going into
a big tech conference with a bunch of really influential people and I might be nervous.” And he’d say, “Articulate the undesired
state of being. What is that?” And so I’d say, “I’m worried that I
won’t have anything to say, I’m worried that they won’t think that I’m high up
enough to actually care about what I’m going to say, I’m not going to add value.” And he’d say, “Great. Just by actually articulating the undesired
state you are naming it, and you’re taming it. You’re going to be more aware when those
undesired states manifest and that’s the first step.” And so he said, “Step two is that you have
to articulate the desired state of being.” And our brains are really good at telling
us what is going to go wrong in social situations because it wants to keep us safe; it wants
people to like us. And this traces all the way back to caveman
days where we were much more tribal, and if we were ostracized by the group we were going
to get kicked out of the group and then it was a literal death sentence. And so our brain is still responding with
that type of intensity to social ostracization. And so articulate the desired state of being. One
of the most common symptoms of starting out or being early in our career is shyness, is
just these feelings of being intimidated, feeling unworthy. And we never talk about shyness because there’s
a taboo and we feel shame about it. Well guess what? The American Psychological Review just put
out a study a couple of years ago, and they found out that 60 percent of all people identify
as struggling with shyness or social anxiety. 60 percent! So if you struggle with that kind of intimidation,
if you’ve had that self-critical internal dialogue you are in the majority, and so you
need to be easy on yourself and say that those feelings are natural and they’re ubiquitous. Everyone has those. And so when we have those feelings we should
notice that most times when we have that kind of intimidation factor, we feel unworthy,
we’re comparing ourselves to others, we’re looking at other people and saying “Oh wow
they’re so much smarter than I am,” or “Oh wow I’m never going to be that good.” And so comparison is the thief of joy. If we’re constantly comparing ourselves
with other people we’re not going to be able to enjoy the process, and it’s going
to be very hard to maintain the effort and energy that it takes to be really good at
something. So what’s more important, what’s more
effective to focus our energy on is what we want to be really good at and comparing ourselves
with who we were yesterday. If all we do is focus our attention on being
better than we were the day before, we can live that process for the rest of our life. Because again, knowing who you are, what you
care about and what you want to be is something that you’ll keep defining for the rest of
your life. But if you keep committing yourself to actually
progressing, to getting better and if you can look at yourself a couple of years ago,
a week ago, a couple of days ago and say, “Hey I’m smarter, I’m better, I’m
learning,” there’s going to be fulfillment in that.

Author: Kennedi Daugherty

67 thoughts on “Social anxiety: How to rewire your confidence and be a better communicator | Andrew Horn

  1. I love this channel especially everything they cover this channel has inspired me AND IT IS exactly the kind of content that I talk about on YOUTUBE channel

  2. Maybe those with social anxiety are better people and getting people to reduce social anxiety is part of a larger attempt to encourage degeneracy.

  3. I think the biggest obstacle is to not compare ourselves with other people (we will always find someone to fail against), but competing against our self for improvement.

  4. In our sick society being social anxious is our bodies way of telling us that we are surrounded by people who don’t really care about us. We need to listen to this anxiety and surround ourselves with people who are the opposite of this guy in the video.

  5. My word … this is of the highest quality uploads of all Big Think videos I've ever seen. Very nice presentation and topic. I'm going to save the video link for others. High school teachers should show their classes this.

  6. are you saying you're lying to turn the conversation? Like, what if you haven't ever been there. Would you just ask "oh, what was your favorite part of the beach?" Just ask more about it eh?

  7. Wow! How many times I have, without realizing it, taken over someone's story to tell my own experience with it? Embarrassing, yet conscious raising experience.

  8. What is staying present in a conversation exactly? Am I not supposed to refer to previous experiences or future predictions in a conversation then?

  9. I’m smarter, I’m better, I’m learning. Be batter than who you were yesterday. Turn around conversations. I was there, how was it for you.

  10. Such generic advice. What he said pretty much is: ask open-ended questions, practice visualization and try to be more self-aware? Why do you need to go on tangents about hypnosis? It just confuses people more than it helps….smh

  11. The fear of being kicked out of the tribe is still in our unconscious mind. It's as powerful is putting your feet down on to the floor when you know there's a monster under the bed… because of snakes.

  12. 0:00 – 1:15
    Take = responding with a statement
    Turn = responding with a question

    Respond with more questions than statements to have an engaging conversation.

    I've never seen someone add so much fluff to such a simple statement than this guy.

  13. Fuck this shit, my social anxiety comes from people being fucking dumb and I have no energy to fucking explain to these stupid humans over and over how fucking stupid they are

  14. В общем нечего нормально но при такой скорости можно загриметь🤔👌

  15. great advice not great for REAL social anxiety. this is for people who get nervous NOT people who have social anxiety. if you think this solves social anxiety you most certainly dont have it.

  16. An enormous impact comes from recognizing that you are ultimately only in competition with yourself. It's life changing, liberating, and sadness-saving.

  17. That's just one reason why we should learn about the Venus Project and support Resource Based Economy! For healthy upbringing and compassion culture! We are brought up under constant competition and stress, separated from parents because they had to work and they were stressed because of this system, then we are forced to be slaves to corporations for the monetary profit of banskters and billionaires. Dr Gabor Mate has god points about childhood trauma and personality. And no wonder why we have social anxiety, we are being raised in an asocial system, in a materialist, individualistic, unsustainable system. This shit's gotta go.

  18. Thank you so much!! The metamorphic two-step is literally exactly what I’ve been needing/seeking for so long! So helpful and life-changing :’)

  19. This guy is saying super obvious shit and making it sound like his the only one that knows them. 😑 I have social anxiety and this doesn't help at all

  20. Thanks for all the thoughtful comments. NOTE TO SELF… don't go surfing for three hours without sunscreen the day before your shoot or you'll look orange on screen.

  21. This is great!! I’ve started to put out a few videos on my SA journey and it’s been liberating! Feel free to check them out and see if you can relate.

  22. It would be nice if we can just talk like we want to instead of having to adhere to society standards. I am awkward sometimes, just let me be. An iq of 140+ can really be a burden inbetween people Pretending to be better.

  23. wow i think i just teared up a little. that was a really inspirational speech for the 60% people of the world. thank you

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