Meet the Parents Cold Open – SNL

Meet the Parents Cold Open – SNL


[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>>I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T KNOW, MR. VICE
PRESIDENT. I FEEL LIKE I SAY THIS EVERY
WEEK, ABOUT THUT WEEK WAS BAD. I’M BEGINNING TO REGRET MY WISH
TO BECOME A REAL BOY. I TOSSED AND TURNED IN MY
SHOEBOX ALL NIGHT WONDERING WHAT’S THE FBI GOING TO DO NEXT?
>>I KNOW, I KNOW, WE’RE IN A REAL PICKLE HERE, JEFF.
AND YOU KNOW HOW UNCOMFORTABLE I AM AROUND PICKLES.
>>YES. I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY RAIDED
MICHAEL COHEN’S OFFICE. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO, MIKE?
>>THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO STAY CALM.
IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS THE PRESIDENT WILL BE BACK NO TO
NORMAL.>>HOW’S THAT?
>>BECAUSE IT WILL BE ME.>>OH!
THAT’S A GOOD ONE.>>EXCUSE ME, MR. SESSIONS?
>>OH, NO, THEY HERE FOR US? I WILL GO PEACEFULLY.
>>NO, IT’S NOT THE POLICE. THE PRESIDENT’S
COWIN, IS HERE TO SEE YOU.>>OH, FINALLY.
BY ALL MEANS, SEND HIM IN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>HEY. HOW YOU DOING?
YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S MICHAEL COHEN, ATTORNEY AT LAW.
AND ALSO SOMETIMES NOT AT LAW.>>MR. COHEN, THIS SITUATION IS
OUT OF HAND.>>I KNOW!
CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT THEY’RE DOING TO POOR MR. TRUMP?
IT’S A DISGRACE! THIS WHOLE RAID WAS A COMPLETE
VIOLATION OF ATTORNEY/CRIMINAL PRIVILEGE.
>>WELL, IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, THEN YOU HAVE NOTHING TO
WORRY ABOUT.>>IS THAT A JOKE?
WE GOT A REAL PROBLEM HERE, JEFF.
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH EVIDENCE I HAVE IN MY OFFICE?
I’M DONALD TRUMP’S LAWYER! I GOT A WHOLE HARD DRIVE THAT’S
JUST LABELED “YIKES.”>>I MUST SAY, SOME OF THESE
ALLEGATIONS AGAINST YOU ARE QUITE DISTURBING, MR. COHEN.
HOW I DO PAID $1.6 MILLION FOR A TOP REPUBLICAN’S MISTRESS TO
HAVE AN ABORTION?>>YEAH, $1.6 MILLION FOR AN
ABORTLE, THANK YOU OBAMACARE. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, JEFF.
YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE RECUSED YOURSELF, YOU SHOULD HAVE
PROTECTED MR. TRUMP. HE’S A FRAGILE FLOWER.
AND HE ALSO HAPPENS TO BE THE SMARTEST, KINDEST, SEXIEST,
LEAST-COLLUDING MAN ON THIS PLANET WHICH I CALL EARTH.
>>OKAY, SO HE’S JUST A FULL DUMB-DUMB THEN.
MICHAEL, THE REASON WE BROUGHT YOU HERE TODAY THAT IS THERE’S
SOMEONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK WITH YOU.
>>OH, GREAT. WHO?
>>DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT, HE’S DOWN THE HALL WAITING FOR YOU.
>>REMEMBER, WHATEVER HAPPENS, YOU HAVE OUR FULL SUPPORT.
OKAY? RIGHT THIS WAY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU FOR COMING IN.
I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THAT LITTLE DUMMY BIRD.
OH!>>WHAT IS THIS PLACE?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>LOOKING FOR SOMETHING, MR. COHEN?
>>ROBERT MUELLER?>>WHY DON’TCHA HAVE A SEAT, MR.
COHEN. HERE.
PUT THESE ON. HAVE YOU EVER USED A LIE
DETECTOR BEFORE?>>I FEEL LIKE I HAVE.
>>GREAT. LOOK, I WANT YOU DO KNOW I WILL
GLADLY GO TO JAIL TO PROTECT MR. PRESIDENT TRUMP.
>>JUST RELAX, MR. COHEN. IF YOU’RE INNOCENT, YOU HAVE
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. I’LL START WITH SOME EASY ONES.
HOW’D YOU LIKE THAT PEE-PEE TAPE?
>>WHAT?>>I’M KIDDING, RELAX.
WE’LL GET TO THAT LATER. IS YOUR NAME MICHAEL COHEN?
>>YES.>>AND YOU’RE A LAWYER?
>>ISH.>>DID YOU HAVE — DID YOU MAKE
A PAYMENT OF $130,000 TO STORMY DANIELS?
>>YES.>>AND DID PRESIDENT TRUMP KNOW
ABOUT IT?>>NO.
>>I THINK YOU’RE LYING.>>YEAH, IT WAS SUPPOSED TO AN
SURPRISE FOR STORMY, LIKE A GIFT.
>>A GIFT?>>YEAH, A GIFT.
LIKE A ROCK THROUGH THE WINDOW WITH A NOTE TIED TO IT THAT SAYS
“STOP TALKING.”>>SO YOU’VE THREATENED PEOPLE?
>>DIRECTLY, NO. BUT LET’S JUST SAY I’VE CUT A
LOT OF LETTERS OUT OF A LOT OF MAGAZINES.
JUST TRYING TO MILLING SOME INFORMATION OUT OF PEOPLE, SO
WHAT?>>DID YOU SAY MILK?
>>YEAH. LIKE — WITH A COW OR A GOAT OR
A — CAT. [ LAUGHTER ]
I MEAN, YOU CAN MILK ANYTHING WITH NIPPLES.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>REALLY? I HAVE NIPPLES.
CAN YOU MILK ME, MR. COHEN?>>LOOK, MR. MUELLER THIS ENTIRE
RUSSIA VEST SAYING IS A WITCH HUNT AND YOUR WHOLE TEAM IS
PREJUDICED AGAINST THE PRESIDENT.
>>NOT TRUE. WE USE CODE NAMES SO PERSONAL
FEELINGS NEVER COME INTO IT.>>WHAT’S PRESIDENT TRUMP’S CODE
NAME?>>WELL, IT USED TO BE “PUTIN’S
LITTLE BITCH.” NOW IT’S “STORMY’S LITTLE
BITCH.”>>WHAT ABOUT IVANKA’S CODE
NAME?>>”GIRLFRIEND.”
>>JARED KUSHNER?>>”OTHER GIRLFRIEND.”
>>DON JR. AND ERIC?>>”TWO FREDOS.”
>>AND WHAT ABOUT MY CODE NAME?>>”DEAD MAN WALKING.”
>>LOOK, I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU, I HAVE RIGHTS.
>>NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME, YOU LITTLE WEASEL.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT RIGHTS YOU THINK YOU HAVE.
YOU BROKE THE LAW. AND NOW WE’RE GOING TO CATCH ALL
OF YOU LITTLE FOCKERS, YOU GOT THAT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] OKAY, BUT I WILL TELL YOU
THIS — LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!

Author: Kennedi Daugherty

26 thoughts on “Meet the Parents Cold Open – SNL

  1. The left and the right are ONE IN THE SAME. Democrats and Republicans are the same.
    This is hilarious how SNL try to make them different.

  2. That bitch looks like Gollum, and no… it isn't the makeup or the character she's playing. No wonder the new "Ghostbusters" movie was so terrible. They can't blame it on sexism either, her and that gorilla looking Leslie "lady" are both men. Time to move on to racism, as those are the left's main weapons, especially when facts and statistics aren't on their side, it's just a lot easier to cry wolf as opposed to having an actual debate.

  3. The people who made “Vice” now easily have a cast for when they make their movie about Trump’s presidency

  4. genius how they put Pence and Sessions as the parents knowing how homophobic Pence is. (Also Bennett’s Pence…I’d date him, if he is ever tired of hiding in the closet)

  5. Looking back people really looked at Muller as some hero that would take down trump. Nobody ever stopped and realized the guy is just a life long establishment Republican that was stunned at how corrupt the GOP really has become.

  6. You lefties!!!! President Trump is completely innocent.
    That’s why he hides his taxes and works hard to shut down any investigation about him.

    TO PROTECT HIS INNOCENCE.

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