21st Century Hyderabadi Hakeem| Standup Comedy by Dr. Sudhir Mane| Jagdish Chaturvedi

21st Century Hyderabadi Hakeem| Standup Comedy by Dr. Sudhir Mane| Jagdish Chaturvedi

Alright guys…Are you ready for the first
performer for today? He is from Osmania Medical College. A big round of applause to Dr. Sudhir Mane
(loud cheering) Friends, Doctors, Osmecans…Lend me your
ears! I am Dr. Sudhir Mane from the batch of 2011,
Osmania Medical College Before I begin, let me give you a disclaimer:
In case I am not able to make all of you laugh please don’t come beat me up like you usually
do with doctors So… Basically…Sudhir Mane – By name and appearance I come across as Marathi But I know English I know Telugu I can speak in Marathi, I know Hindi And I can speak in fluent Urdu too! So.. Basically… I am a language buffet! All of you know the movie “The Angrez” right? Jahangir… Ismail Bhai *Hyderabadi dialect* You know what happened in Osmania the other day? Me, Mallesh, Chinna, Ghafoor … All of us were squabbling over the OT list You what I did? I stepped aside Scrubbed in for surgery and put on rubber gloves I armed myself with scalpels hack-slash, hack-slash,hack-slash cut-sew-boom-pow cut-sew-boom-pow I ended up finishing all the operations scheduled for the day! These days STDs are so common. HIV-AIDS. Everyone knows about it. But after HIV came everyone kinda forgot about Gonorrhea I dealt with a case once. I did a colostomy for the patient. The wound swab from the colostomy came positive
for Gonorrhea! Now, I’ve been practicing medicine in Hyderabad for the last 25 years… I’ve never seen such a preposterous report! Just imagine guys! Gonorrhea in a colostomy.. Eww! STD in a colostomy? I felt like striking the lab technician. Meanwhile, the lab technician asked me to
calm down and just said that it was a typo in the printed report. Stray animals are a huge menace in my college
campus. Firstly, we have romeos loitering outside
the gates of the women’s hostel. On the other hand we have monkeys terrorizing
the girls inside the hostel! (cheering) Humans and monkeys – That’s a lot of
primates to deal with! Maybe we can make a documentary – “The Kothis
of Koti” (Kothi=Monkey in Telugu)(Koti-locality) And in the reading rooms cobras were found
on several occasions. On one end we have Naja naja (cobra) On other hand we have Reading Rajas The real snakes who say they don’t study
but still manage to top in every damn exam! OGH has cats and dogs. That’s true. But there is a separate kind of animal – the
LAMA (Leave Against Medical Advice). So, the hospital and college campus are full
of animals. Talking about animals… how of you here are
freshers? Give me a cheer. So, freshers always move around in herds so
that senior students don’t pick on them. I, for once, didn’t know Telugu back then. I was an outcast and not part of any group. So I consoled myself by saying that “Kiddo,
only pigs arrive in herds. The lion strikes alone!” (Shivaji – Rajinikant) This bravado got me in trouble with the seniors. One day I was just going around freely in
the campus and one guy just caught me and said “Hey, tell me your BD” (biodata)
I didn’t know what he was asking in Telugu and started thinking – Beedi? B.D Chaurasia? (Medical text book) Out of anxiety I just told them “Sir, we smoke
them, don’t we?” Are you playing games with us? Do you think we are fools? Which state are you from? Come, lets go to the hostel. Oh, so you are Marathi? Have you come to our state to usurp our seats? Get lost to your Maharashtra
That’s when I lost it! (Singham) That’s when I lost it. *Nana Patekar voice* Who are you to send me back? Here is my blood. Here is your blood. I have mixed them onto a glass slide. Look at it under the microscope! Do you see any difference? The almighty does not discriminate between
us. So who are you? When we had the doctors’ protests…. Didn’t I raise slogans with you “UNITED WE
STAND” Where did your discrimination go then? The almighty does not discriminate between
us. Who the hell are you to discriminate? *hooting* After this, nobody touched me. I had a flower laid path for the rest of my
MBBS. Once you are done with graduation… However shitty your MBBS life must have been… People will always put this status on the day you
get your results “IT’S OFFICIAL NOW. DR. SUDHIR MANE, MBBS (Osm) Dr. Salman MBBS (AIIMS)… But I wonder why students from Gandhi Medical
College will write in brackets? I don’t know. I won’t specify it here People keep asking me all the time .. you’ve
won an award from ICMR. You are so dynamic. You play the guitar and now trying stand-up
comedy too. So, when will you get into PG? I keep telling them that this system is wasted
because MCQs are not really a true measure of my skills. MCQs kill your communication. When there is a killer mob out to get you
in the hospital you cannot skip the question or mark for review. If you mark for review, you will answer to
them in court! And, why are we doing all this for? We have such weird degrees
MD and DM mean “Doctor of Medicine” MS and MCh mean “Master of Surgery”
To add to this confusion we have PG diplomas And then we have Diplomate of National Board. It’s like as if PG diploma and PG had an illegitimate
child which gave rise to DiploMATE of National Board which wasn’t legitimized until the Supreme
Court stepped in. Such a messed up education system. The way we name our medical colleges is so
shitty. It’s either so and so medical college or so
and so institute of medical college. To sound posh , institute of medical sciences
AND research centre! In the name of research we only do anemia
and depression among medical students. And PGs cut, copy and paste dissertations
from previous years. We have some really top colleges you know:
PGIMER You rearrange it GIPMER. Then you have IPGMER, Kolkata! The best. The world is at Sharda. In the medical fraternity we have “World College
of Medical Sciences”. Sounds so posh right? It’s in Jhajjar, Haryana! This college has got a really sad story because
the people have been fighting for recognition. They got admission then the college lost recognition
from the Medical Council of India. They were asking for passive Euthanasia. This is quite dark, right? The brightest Youth in Asia are asking permission
for Euthanasia! What the hell is our government doing? So, I totally despise this education system. And then, last year Gully Boy came out. Apna Time Ayega (My time shall come) became
an anthem. Nanga hi toh aya hai ghanta leke jayega It was on hoodies, people started wearing t-shirts, caps and it started coming behind
auto-rickshaws too! Every Tom, Dick and Harry puts motivational
videos on YouTube. I shall motivate people – My time will come Your time shall come Our time has already come bro. We are all gonna be dead when our time arrives! I keep reminding all of these people
NEET exam says “Ain’t nobody as tough as me” To all my well wishers who keep asking me
when I’m getting into PG? My time shall come
This obedient lad shall study hard I will fulfill Abdul Kalam’s vision
and get a seat in 2020! (crowd cheers) A brief note to all freshers out here. Especially to those who like PUBG. Don’t use the name “Osmania Bin Laden” as your screen name. It’s a very good way to get arrested and thrown
into jail! Thank you! Okay … Give a big round of applause to Dr.
Sudhir guys! It was fun. (crowd cheers loudly)

Author: Kennedi Daugherty

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